Caterpillars Can't Swim Read online

  “Right. I’ve heard that Captain America is in bed every night at eight so he can be refreshed to fight crime in the morning,” she says.

  “He might be in bed by eight but he isn’t alone,” Cody says, wiggling his eyebrows at Sophia. She punches him on the arm.

  “Cody! Don’t be a pig,” I tell him. I don’t want Clare to get a bad impression.

  “Ryan! Don’t be a prude.” Cody says as he and Sophia both laugh.

  “It was really nice meeting you both,” Clare says, looking mostly at me. “We should keep in touch.”

  “Sure. We can do the Facebook friend thing,” I say, because it’s the only thing I can think of. Cody gives me a quick punch on the shoulder. I ignore him.

  “That would be nice. Here, give me your phone. I’ll give you some contact info.” As I hand her the phone, I see Cody grab Sophia and plant a huge kiss on her lips. She puts her arms around his neck and kisses him back.

  “Here you go.” I quickly pull my eyes away from Cody’s lip-lock and smile at Clare as she hands my phone back.

  I would love to kiss her good-bye. But it’s a little difficult to figure out how to do that from down here. I can’t exactly grab her by the arm and pull her down to my level so I can plant one on her. I don’t want to ask her to lean down so I can kiss her because it’d be totally embarrassing if she said no.

  If she wants me to kiss her, she pretty much has to be the one to initiate it.

  “There’s your friend. I’ll go over and tell him you’re here,” Clare interrupts me as I sit here thinking about kissing her instead of actually talking to her. I look over to where she’s pointing. Jack is walking across the room with Caleb and Lucas. Clare runs over to the three of them and I can see her talking to Jack and gesturing over to us. They all come back across the room, Clare sandwiched in between her brother and Caleb.

  “Take care, Jack,” Caleb says, putting one hand on his shoulder briefly.

  “Thanks. You too,” Jack says.

  “It was nice meeting you kid,” Lucas says to him. Then he turns to me. “Good meeting you, too. Good luck with your swimming.” He stares at me under his giant lashes for a few seconds and then turns away to say good-bye to Cody, who has finally let go of Sophia.

  “What are you standing around for? We have to go!” Cody says to us before sprinting toward the door without another glance behind him.

  “Standing around?” Clare mouths at me, her eyes sparkling a little. I laugh—even though saying good-bye to Clare makes me feel more like crying—and head out the door with Jack so that we can leave the fantasy factory and get ourselves back to the reality that is Thompson Mills.

  Great.

  Twenty-Six

  “Well that was seriously awesome. I can’t believe we’re going home already,” Cody says as we head down the highway. “Next time we go, we’re doing the whole four days.”

  “You think it’ll ever come back to Bainesville?” I ask.

  “Probably. The place was packed. It would have brought all kinds of money into a place that small.”

  “I guess you’re right. I’d definitely go again.”

  The day was great. Everyone was incredibly nice, and we were accepted as if we were long lost friends. No one laughed at my costume, at least not to my face. And Clare said I looked fierce.

  “Of course you would,” Cody says. “You actually talked to a girl without spitting on her or falling out of your chair. I don’t know if it’s the costume or being out of Thompson Mills for a change, but you were like an actual guy today.”

  Jack snorts a little in the back seat. He’s beginning to sound like Cody.

  “Thanks. It’s been one of my lifelong goals. To be an actual guy.” I smack Cody on the back of his Captain America helmet. I took the time to wash my face and change my clothes but he’s sitting there in full costume. I think he might even sleep in it tonight.

  “You can be sarcastic all you want. Clare was into you. And it’s not just because we were at Comic Con. I was mostly kidding about that. It’s because you decided to talk to her like a real person.”

  “Which I guess is pretty ironic seeing as I was pretending to be an X-Men character from a fictional alternate universe.”

  “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. You actually talked to her and made her laugh. And she didn’t care about your stupid chair. I’m pretty sure she forgot it was there.”

  Cody’s right. I did feel like an actual guy who can talk to girls today. I don’t know if it was the costume or the environment that did it, but I didn’t feel awkward around Clare at all. We discussed all kinds of different things, and she laughed at my jokes even if they weren’t particularly funny. I laughed at hers, too, but they were all funny. She’s ridiculously smart.

  But Cody’s wrong about one thing. Clare didn’t forget about my chair. She talked about it like it was just a normal part of the conversation. A normal part of me.

  “I still think the costume was a pretty good distraction. And it doesn’t really matter what happened here anyway. The girls at home know me as the guy in a chair.” Not that I care about the girls at home so much anymore.

  “I don’t think your costume was the distraction. The fact that you finally remembered how to speak was the only thing distracting Clare, so there’s no reason you can’t do that at home too. But you just think what you want. You can still be a lonely little nerd boy at home and talk to girls once a year when you go to Comic Con.”

  “Yeah, well maybe when I go away to school it’ll be different and I’ll have so many girlfriends I won’t be able to keep track of them.” Or maybe just one girlfriend who’s waiting to become a rocket scientist.

  “You just keep thinking that. I’d rather have the girlfriends right now, instead of waiting a year.”

  “So would I. Girlfriend anyway.”

  Not much chance of that though. I really wanted to say something, do something to let Clare know how amazing I think she is. That I wished I could stay and get to know her better. But I didn’t say anything. Just sat there and wondered about kissing her.

  “You could if you weren’t such a chickenshit. It’s not like Bainesville is that far away. Clare liked you and all you did was ask her to do the Facebook thing. Seriously lame!” Cody says, laughing at me.

  “Well, I’m just taking it slow. She’s a lady.”

  “Right. That’s why you didn’t kiss her good-bye. Not because you’re a scared little boy.”

  I just ignore him. He wouldn’t understand anyway.

  “How was the rest of your day, Jack?” I turn around so I can see him and hopefully find something else to talk about.

  “Fine,” he answers, staring out the window.

  “I can’t believe that Clare’s brother knows Caleb and all your other new friends.” He glances at me for a second.

  “They’re not my friends. I just met them. I’ll probably never see any of them again. New friends. You sound like my mother on the first day of school.” He’s defensive, almost angry with me.

  Cody glances at me quickly with a what-the-hell look on his face. I agree. I wasn’t acting like anyone’s mother. Not this time anyway.

  “I didn’t mean anything stupid. I just meant it was nice that you met some people like…” I don’t know the right way to end that sentence.

  “Like me? Because some of them are gay? That makes them like me? Seriously? Are you like every other straight guy?”

  He’s back to staring out the window. Why is he so pissed with me? I thought he had a good day. Is he mad that we crashed his lunch party or something? I don’t get this.

  “Of course not,” I say. “I didn’t mean that either. I don’t know what your problem is!”

  “Of course you don’t. Just leave me alone, okay? I don’t want to talk.”

  “Fine. Whatever.” My stomach jumps a littl
e at the tone in his voice. I’ve heard it before, but I don’t know why it’s there now.

  I turn around and stare out the front window, wondering what the hell is happening in the back seat.

  “So, what are you going to do about Clare?” Cody asks, acting like he didn’t hear my conversation with Jack.

  “I can’t exactly have a relationship with her. She lives three hours away. It’s not like I have a car or anything.”

  “So what? You only have a year left of school before you can move there. In the meantime, you can just lust after her from a distance and send her dirty texts.”

  “Yeah, right! That really sounds like me.” Cody just laughs. “But seriously, I am thinking of Bainesville U after high school. It’s just far enough away to give me some independence without Mom showing up with fresh underwear on a daily basis.”

  “I’d love for my mom to show up with fresh underwear when I move out,” Cody says. “I’d be doing her a favor. Moms love doing the laundry.”

  I imagine my mother’s face if she heard him say that. It makes me laugh. “Yeah, my mother is always begging me for clothes to wash.”

  “Anyway, Clare is the first girl that actually seems to think you have a brain. I wouldn’t give up so fast if I were you. Then again, I’m Captain America. I never give up.”

  Cody does a salute, which is probably directed at himself instead of me, and focuses on the road for a while in silence. We stop for coffee about every forty-five minutes so that Cody doesn’t fall asleep at the wheel. I’m pretty tired but I’m forcing myself to stay awake so I can poke him if he looks like he’s drifting.

  Jack doesn’t get out of the car, not even to go to the bathroom. He’s just sitting back there staring out at nothing. Maybe he’s sleeping. I don’t know, but I’m afraid to ask in case I make things worse.

  Did something bad happen during the afternoon? Did someone say or do something to him?

  “Turn on the radio and crank it up. I need some tunes to keep me moving.” Cody derails my train of thought by smacking me on the arm.

  “Okay, keep your hands on the wheel so we all keep moving.”

  I do what he asks, trying to find a station with music that he’ll like. He keeps shaking his head as I flip through.

  “There! Perfect,” he finally nods as I find the loudest, most obnoxious song on the radio. We spend the rest of the trip listening to Cody sing along to his music in the world’s worst voice.

  Jack’s mother is standing at the window when we pull up in front of his house.

  “Do you think she’s been there all weekend?” Cody asks, looking at Jack in the rearview mirror.

  “Probably. She’s texted me about fifty times.” Jack speaks for the first time in hours as he digs around for his stuff.

  “At least you know she cares,” I say to him.

  “Right. Or doesn’t trust me.”

  “I don’t think too many mothers trust teenagers. It’s a parenting rule. My mom always tells me she trusts me but she keeps pretty close tabs. She didn’t text fifty times but at least ten, which for her is a huge number.” I’m babbling but I can’t seem to stop myself. Jack ignores me.

  “Anyway, thanks for the trip,” Jack says in a monotone as he gets out of the car.

  “Yeah, no problem,” Cody says. “Um, Jack?”

  “What?”

  “Now that we’re home…I still have your back and everything, but you know, my friends aren’t exactly as…understanding as I am so…” He trails off, actually looking embarrassed, which may be a first. He should be. If he’s saying what I think he is.

  “It’s fine. I won’t run up and kiss you in the halls or anything.” Jack slams the door and heads up the pathway to his house without looking back.

  Cody pulls out. I stay quiet because I don’t want to get in a fight with him.

  “Don’t get all silent treatment pissed off with me, Ryan. I was nice to the guy. Nicer than you in some ways. At least I didn’t go all nuclear mother hen on him. I’ve got a reputation. He has one, too, and it doesn’t go with mine. It is what it is.” His voice is defensive. Another first.

  “I’m friends with him. I don’t hide it. No one cares.” I’m staring out the front window because if I look at him I might punch him.

  “Well that’s nice for you. You’re not me. Your rep is different.” If he wasn’t driving I think I would punch him.

  “Are we talking about my chair without talking about it now? Are you saying it’s okay for me to be friends with Jack because I’m the crip and he’s the gay guy?”

  His head whips sideways as he looks at me for a second, eyes completely pissed, before turning back to the road.

  “That’s the biggest pile of bullshit you’ve ever said. You know perfectly well I didn’t say that. You did. I don’t ever call you a crip. I don’t even think about it, and you know that. You’re being a jerk.”

  He’s right. Not about the jerk part. But the rest of it is true. And I do know it.

  But he’s being the jerk right now. Deciding he can’t be Jack’s friend because it might make trouble with the other guys he hangs around with.

  Even though it’s true. Which sucks. But he should still be better than that.

  No wonder Jack ended up in the river. It’s hard to stay grounded if you can’t see any future that doesn’t make your life feel like hell.

  We pull up in front of my house in silence. My mom is also standing at the window, watching for me. Cody gets out of the car and grabs my chair.

  “You can be friends with Jack. It doesn’t mean I have to be. And it doesn’t mean we aren’t friends,” he says as he helps me get out of the car.

  “I know. It’s fine. I just feel bad for the guy.” It isn’t fine, but I’m too tired to argue anymore.

  “Believe it or not, I do too. I just don’t think I can do anything about it.” I look at him for a second. He actually thinks he hasn’t done anything wrong here.

  “I don’t believe it at all. I don’t think you feel anything for him. I think you’re only worried about yourself. Like always. You really don’t give a shit about Jack. If you did, you would do something about it.”

  “And what the fuck do you expect me to do?” He’s standing there holding my bag, looking as angry as I’ve ever seen him. As angry as I feel.

  “What is it you always tell me? Be more confident like the great Cody McNeely? If you were really as confident as you say you are, you wouldn’t give a shit about what anyone thinks of you. You wouldn’t treat someone like crap just to protect your reputation if you actually believed in it.”

  I reach out my hand to take my bag from him. He shoves it at me, looking like he’s going to say something. Then he just shakes his head and gets back in his car, slamming the door.

  Captain America squeals the tires as he drives off into the night to protect the innocent from evildoers or whatever it is that fake Avengers do.

  Twenty-Seven

  “So, how are things going with Cody and Jack?”

  Clare looks at me from my computer screen, eyes all soft and concerned. I really want to reach out and touch her cheek, pretending I’m doing it in real life, but she can see me, which would make it kind of creepy.

  It seems that Cody was wrong about how badly I left things with Clare because two days after we got home she messaged me, and we started talking. After a few days of writing to each other, Clare suggested that it might be nicer to do video messaging so that we could see and hear each other as if we were actually spending time together.

  Might be nicer to actually see that beautiful face looking at me?

  The first time we scheduled a time to video-call each other, I had a sudden urge to contact Jack and get him to make my face up again. I wasn’t sure if Clare remembered what I really look like.

  Except that Jack is still barely talk
ing to me. We’ve seen each other about three times in the past several weeks. He’s always polite without being exactly friendly. I’m afraid to ask him anything just in case I send him spiralling off to some place darker than the one he’s already returned to.

  Turns out I didn’t need his help with Clare.

  “I love red hair!” was the first thing she said when she saw the real me again.

  “I think freckles are so cool. Much more interesting than boring expanses of plain skin.”

  I’m pretty sure I’m in love.

  Recently, I’ve started telling Clare about all the strangeness that is my life now that I’m back home. It’s hard to believe that she finds my personal drama festival even remotely interesting, but she keeps asking about it, so I keep talking.

  I stayed mad at Cody for a lot longer than five minutes this time. I’m still upset with the way he treated Jack, but we’ve somehow managed to find a way back to a kind of pseudo-friendship again. Mostly because he just kept on calling and offering to work on my swimming with me, and I eventually caved. So now we swim and talk about nothing in particular and pretend we’re okay.

  “Jack still isn’t saying much. Cody is acting like everything’s fine even though he hasn’t said one word to Jack since we got back. I know you probably think that’s sick.”

  “No, I get it. Lucas had trouble with all kinds of people when he first came out after high school. Lots of people were supportive, too, but some so-called friends he’d had his whole life would look the other way when he came down the street. He was threatened by people he knew from kindergarten. It was really rough for a while. People get…afraid, I guess…when things change.” She gives me a sad smile.

  “Cody acts like he isn’t afraid of anything or anyone most of the time. But he’s obviously scared shi—I mean, scared to death of what would happen if someone figured out that Jack is actually gay and that Cody spent some time with the guy.” Clare laughs at me.