Caterpillars Can't Swim Read online

  “You can say shitless in front of me, Ryan. I’m not fragile.”

  “Sorry. My mother would offer to wash my mouth out with soap if she heard me curse in front of a lady.” I tap my fingers against my lips.

  “You’re mom sounds sweet but very old-school.”

  “Oh, she’s definitely old-school. Literally. She’s the principal at my old school.”

  Clare laughs again. It sounds like bells. Not the old, rusty school bell my mother rings in my face. Delicate wind chimes gently catching a breeze on a warm morning in springtime…or something less embarrassing than that.

  I’m glad Clare can’t see inside my increasingly mush-filled brain.

  “My mom is a judge. Probably lots of similarities between the two jobs.”

  “Yeah, I don’t think we should get them together any time soon!” She looks at me silently for a few seconds.

  “Maybe someday though,” she says in a serious voice that makes my stomach dance around a little. In a good way.

  “So, how’s the swimming going?” she asks, changing the subject because I’m just sitting here with a stupid grin on my face.

  “Not bad. Cody is still riding my…” I hesitate and she just raises her eyebrows. “…ass most days when he isn’t busy, and I’m feeling good. Ready for the fall.”

  “That’s great. I love to swim but I’m pretty slow. Maybe you could give me some pointers some day.”

  “Absolutely. I can give you some right now if you want!” This is actually something I know about.

  “I meant in person. Together. In a pool.” She shakes her head, grinning a little.

  “Oh.” I have to try not to stare as I instantly imagine her in a bathing suit. Her grin gets a little wider.

  “Yeah, oh. And Ryan, I’m imagining you in a bathing suit, too, just in case you were wondering.”

  This time there’s no makeup to mask my flaming red cheeks. I try to turn a little away from the camera so she doesn’t notice.

  “It’s okay. You’re super cute when you blush,” she says, which just turns me into a three-alarm fire instead of a two. It makes her laugh. Wind chimes.

  “You’re seriously adorable, Ryan. My best friend, Karla, can’t wait to meet you.”

  She told her best friend about me?

  “You told your best friend about me?”

  “Of course I did. Didn’t you tell yours about me?” She arches both eyebrows into question marks.

  “Cody is my best friend. He already knows.” She probably thinks I could find a better best friend than someone who dumps people because they’re gay.

  “Anyway, Karla is dying to meet you. She wants to come online with us some time, but I told her she has to wait until we get together live and in person.”

  “I’m not sure when we’ll be able to do that.” I can’t exactly ask Cody to drive me to Bainesville again. He forgot about Sophia about thirty seconds after we got home. He wouldn’t drive there just for my sake.

  “Maybe I’ll get my brother and Caleb to drive me down your way some time. Caleb’s been chatting with Jack, you know, giving him some ideas on how to find support networks. He might like to talk to him in person again.”

  I didn’t know Jack was in contact with Caleb still. He never said anything to me. Then again, he never says much to me anymore.

  I look at Clare for a second, trying to imagine the reaction of…well, pretty much anyone in Thompson Mills if Caleb or Lucas showed up in a sparkling pink shirt and makeup.

  “Don’t worry about it, Ryan. Caleb only dresses up for fun when there’s a festival or something, and Lucas has jeans and plain shirts for camouflage when he needs it. No one will know.”

  I think about trying to persuade her that she didn’t read my mind—or likely my face—accurately, but there’s no point.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You can’t be sorry for the attitudes of other people.”

  I think about my best friend. I feel like I should be sorry for the way he’s acting.

  “I guess. Speaking of attitudes…does your friend know about me?”

  Her eyes get confused. “Karla? I already told you that she knows about you.”

  “Yeah, I know. But did you tell her about my chair?”

  She looks at me, grinning a little.

  “Well, seeing as you were sitting in it in the pictures I showed her, I didn’t really have to say much.” I look at her in surprise.

  “You showed her pictures? Of me?”

  “Of course I did. She thinks you’re super cute. That’s a direct quote.”

  “Oh.” I can’t believe she showed her friend pictures of me.

  “Yeah, oh. Again. Anyway, she said you have great hair, gorgeous freckles, and a kick-ass body.”

  “That’s probably not all she said.”

  “You need more compliments than that?”

  “I don’t mean that. I mean, what did she say about your…liking a guy in a chair?” My voice cracks in a very manly way on the word liking.

  Clare looks at me for a long time, head tilted to the side, with big brown eyes that are like melted chocolate chips fresh out of the oven—or something less embarrassing than that.

  “She asked a lot of questions. Gave a few opinions. I answered the questions that were worth answering and ignored the opinions I didn’t like. My opinion is the only one that matters because I’m the one who likes the guy in the chair.”

  And she smiles, a slow, sweet smile that makes my chest feel tight. My cheeks start to heat up again as she ends the call, and her picture fades from sight.

  Twenty-Eight

  For the rest of the month, when I’m not talking to Clare, dreaming about Clare, or wondering when I’m going to see Clare, I spend my time working on my swimming so I can strengthen my shoulder and get my speed back to a point where I’m absolutely sure I’ll be a full member of the team in the fall. It’s my last year, and I don’t want to miss a single swim meet.

  I’m hoping to try out for the team in college as well, but I know the competition will be a lot fiercer. I definitely hold my own on the high school team, even in out-of-town competitions, but I’m still trying to prepare myself for the possibility that I’ll be outclassed in a big school where kids come from all over the country.

  Cody tells me that my attitude is full of shit. He doesn’t see the irony in that statement.

  Jack has been working pretty much full-time at the Supe. I know he hates it but he hasn’t had the guts to tell his mother he wants to apply to work somewhere else, so for now he’s just putting up with it, waiting for the summer to end.

  Of course, he hates school as much or more than working, so I’m not sure what he’s got to look forward to. I hope Caleb has been helping him figure out how to make life more bearable. It would be really nice if Lucas did drive everyone here. It might do Jack some good to talk to those guys in person again.

  It would do me a lot of good to talk to Clare in person again. My life is just weird these days. I could use an actual friendly face that doesn’t have a computer screen in the way.

  I pretty much only spend time with Cody at the pool, where he bitches at me about my swimming and cracks stupid jokes that don’t seem to make me feel like laughing anymore. I see Jack down at the water sometimes, which is starting to feel more and more dangerous because he has been continuously down since we came home and still won’t talk to me about it. I’m torn between wanting to stay away from the bridge completely and being afraid to let him be there alone.

  So I keep going.

  I don’t think Cody even so much as acknowledges Jack’s existence if he sees him anywhere around town. I know—at least I hope I know—that he would kick ass again if anyone ever tried to physically hurt Jack. But that’s as far as it goes.

  It is what it is.

 
It just isn’t enough.

  “Don’t worry about it. He wasn’t my friend before. He wasn’t exactly my friend that weekend either. He tolerated me. Now he ignores me. I’d rather be ignored for being gay than attacked for it. It’s fine.” Jack shrugs his shoulders and looks down at the water. We’re sitting on the bridge early in the morning, which is still the only time we come here. Most of the time these days we sit in virtual silence, but today I decided to bring up the subject of Cody to see if I could get Jack talking.

  Which might not be the best plan I’ve ever had.

  “It’s not really fine, though, is it? How are things ever going to change if people like Cody keep acting like jerks?”

  “Maybe it’ll change someday, like a hundred years from now. Long after I’m dead and gone.” He flings a stick at the water in an angry gesture. I resist the urge to grab on to some part of his body just in case he decides to follow it in. I wish we were somewhere other than on this bridge, looking at this river.

  “Or when you move to Bainesville, alive and well,” I say, trying to sound positive. He nods slightly. I watch him and think about what Clare told me about her brother and how hard it was for him when he decided to come out. Jack’s life is already hard enough, and he’s not exactly tough. I can’t imagine how he would deal with the type of shit Lucas had to put up with.

  Maybe if he moves away, he’ll just have to stay there and never come back here to Homophobia Land.

  “If I figured out how to move there some day, things could be okay. Maybe.”

  “But it’s not okay now?” The answer is obvious, but I ask anyway.

  “No, it’s not. Nothing is okay now.” He looks up at me, shading his eyes from the sun. After a few seconds, he takes a deep breath.

  “When I was away from here, just sitting talking to Caleb and the others, I thought it would be. Okay, I mean. Everyone there was so positive, telling their stories and making me feel like it wouldn’t be so bad, you know?” I nod even though I probably don’t know.

  “But the minute I got in the car to go home, it just all washed over me like I was back in the river and starting to drown all over again. My chest hurt just thinking about coming back here and facing another year or more of pretending to be someone I’m not. Imagining lying to my mom over and over again actually made me feel like I couldn’t breathe. I hate not telling her who I am! It’s just the two of us now. I should be able to tell her. But it scares me so much. I know she thinks that men marry women and that’s it. She won’t want me to be different. She probably even thinks it’s a sin.” He stops talking for a few seconds. I try to find something to say, but he starts again before I manage it.

  “I want to tell her. I need to tell her. At least about being gay. I don’t need to tell her about wrecking her skirt yet. One thing at a time.” He smiles with his mouth but not his eyes. “I can’t keep pretending to be someone else in my own house, but I don’t know how to tell her.”

  “Did you ever ask Caleb about it? He likely already went through it, right?”

  “Actually, I did ask. He said that he waited until he moved away and had a support network in the city and was completely independent. He figured that way he’d have someone to turn to if his parents reacted badly, and he’d have somewhere to go if things went badly.”

  “Did it? Go badly?”

  “I didn’t ask. Didn’t really want to know. But he seems like he’s pretty together, although I don’t know him all that well.”

  “So, if it worked for him, do you think maybe that’s the best way to do it?”

  He stares down at the water for a long time. He tosses a few more sticks, and we both watch them float away. Finally he looks up, his eyes dark and filled with tears.

  “Maybe for him, but not for me. I can’t stand it. It’s literally making me feel sick all the time. I need to know she’ll still be my mom, no matter what. I’ll go nuts if I wait a year to find out.” He wipes his hand over his eyes, trying not to cry.

  This is awful every way you look at it. Jack shouldn’t have to feel this scared. He should just be able to tell her, tell anyone he wants. He’s not doing anything wrong. He’s not hurting anyone.

  Except he thinks he’s going to hurt his mother.

  This is making my head hurt. His must be ready to explode.

  My mother was probably disappointed when the physio and surgeries didn’t work enough to get me on my feet. She probably felt upset that she had to deal with wheelchairs and braces and hospitals when all she wanted was a cute little kid to bring up. But she’s never said anything that would make me think any of those things. She’s always been totally supportive, pushing me to try things, telling me I can be or do anything I want.

  But what if I wanted to date guys? Would she be supportive about something like that? Would she still be proud of me?

  I try to imagine her telling me she’s disappointed and doesn’t want me around because I don’t want to marry a woman someday. I just can’t see her doing it.

  But I guess I don’t know any more than Jack does.

  “So, what are you going to do?”

  He squints in the sunlight with red, damp eyes, which chokes me up a bit, even though I’m such a tough guy.

  “I have to tell her. I have to know.”

  “Okay. Is there anything I can do?” I can’t think of anything that would be remotely helpful. Jack’s quiet for a while. I guess he can’t think of anything either.

  “Actually, there is. Could you come with me when I tell her?” He looks down, probably afraid to see my reaction.

  Which is probably good because I can’t trust my face right now. I definitely didn’t think of that. There’s seriously nothing I want to do less than sit there while Jack tells his mom something so personal.

  But how the hell can I say no?

  “Sure, I can do that.”

  “Really?” Jack looks shocked.

  “Yeah, no problem.” I try a smile to mask the lie.

  “I don’t need you to say anything. Just…be there. If that’s okay.”

  No. Not okay. Uncomfortable. Awkward. Lots of other things I can’t get my head around right now.

  “Yeah, it’s okay. I don’t know how much help I’ll be, but I can be there if you need me.”

  He actually smiles a little as he sniffs and digs around in his pockets, probably looking for a Kleenex.

  How did I get into this?

  I am seriously never throwing myself off this bridge again.

  Twenty-Nine

  “I don’t know how I can help him with this.”

  Clare looks at me sympathetically. I feel a bit guilty, like I’ve broken some kind of confidence with Jack by talking to her about this, but I didn’t know what else to do. I can’t talk to Cody or my mother about it, and if I keep talking to myself, I’m going to lose my mind.

  I told her everything from the beginning. Even the lie I told about him at Comic Con. She just laughed at me and said she already knew about that part. Apparently I’m a shitty liar.

  And a shitty friend. I told Jack I would come with him to tell his mom but now that he’s actually told me that today is the day, I’m trying to find a way out of it. Instead of rushing over to help him prepare for the scariest moment of his life, I’m calling Clare.

  “Just be there. Be someone for him to turn to if it goes wrong. That’s what I did for my brother.” I look at her, surprised. I hadn’t even thought about that.

  “How old were you?”

  “Fourteen. He was nineteen. I already knew. I think I always knew. But my parents didn’t seem to. He wanted them to know, even though he was old enough to move out by then and could probably have just kept it a secret as long as he wanted to. But he told me he just had to know how they’d react.”

  “Yeah, that’s kind of what Jack said. He just needs to know his mom s
till loves him. Does your mom? Still love your brother?”

  She sits for a few seconds, obviously lost in a memory.

  “Yes. Both my parents still love him. But my dad struggled a lot with the idea that his son is gay. He never suspected it at all. I think my mom did, so she wasn’t as shocked. But Dad…well, it took a while. It’s taking a while.”

  “But they didn’t kick him out or anything.”

  “No, they never even thought about it. Not for a second. At least, I don’t think they did. My mom sometimes even helps him accessorize now. Dad still prefers to see him in jeans and a hoodie, or maybe a football uniform if he could find one. One time Dad actually said that he didn’t understand why Lucas couldn’t be one of those gay men who are masculine.”

  She puts a major sarcastic spin on the last word. Clare is not a big fan of the words masculine and feminine. She says everyone should just be defined as a person without labels that dictate how we act or dress.

  “What did your brother say to that?”

  “Lucas just looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘I’m more masculine than you could be in your wildest dreams…just ask my boyfriend.’ Dad turned six shades of red and never mentioned it again.” She laughs. “It took Lucas a long time to get to the point where he could say something like that and not worry about it. He’s happy now. He has an awesome partner who my dad actually likes. They talk football together.”

  “Do you think Jack will be okay some day, too?”

  “I have no idea. Whatever happens with his mom, he’ll need friends to stick with him.”

  “Maybe he should wait to tell her until Caleb can come and be there for him. He’d be a lot more help than I would.”

  “That’s not true. Jack asked you. You’re his friend. You’re the one he wants there.”

  “So you think I should go, even though I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing?” I was really hoping she’d tell me not to—that I’d be interfering or something. That I should find someone more responsible. Older. Wiser. Something.

  “Obviously it’s up to you, but I would go if it was my friend.” Her chocolate eyes stare me down.