The Color of Silence Read online

  Best of all, my partner is Mike. I think he actually asked for me, but I’m not sure. I hope so. My stomach always feels strange when he comes in the room, all fluttery and jittery. Today I’m having even more trouble controlling my hands than usual. They are fluttery and jittery too, and I feel a little embarrassed, like I don’t want him to see me that way. It’s strange, really, because I don’t get embarrassed much. My body does so many things that I don’t want it to that I would be spending all of my time embarrassed and wouldn’t have time to think about anything else. But when Mike is around, I feel like I want to look like the other girls—the “normal” girls that he’s used to in his classroom. I want my hands to stay still, and I want to talk to him and walk down the hall with him.

  I don’t let myself want that too often. I can’t have it, so wanting it would just make me sad or angry. I don’t want to spend time feeling that way.

  We travel to the museum on a different bus than the other kids because of the wheelchairs, but we all meet up in the lobby of the museum. I am so excited, but I am trying to stay calm so my hands won’t fling themselves around too much. I want Mike to have a good time with me, without worrying about my hitting him in the face every time we see something interesting!

  Everything is interesting. There’s so much here that we can’t even begin to cover it all. I really like the animal floor, where real animals are stuffed and mounted in glass cases that look like actual habitats. I worry at first that they were deliberately killed for this exhibit, but Mike reads me a sign that explains how all of the animals in the display were found dead. That is some comfort, but it still feels a little sad to think that they were all once full of life. There are little signs on every display explaining the lives of the animals, and Mike reads a few to me. Not all, which is too bad because I’d like to hear. I’d read them myself, but the signs are too small, and Mike doesn’t remember to wheel me up close enough or give me time to try to focus my eyes on the print. That’s OK. I’d rather hear him read anyway. He has a nice voice.

  “Hey, let’s hit this place!” Mike is pointing toward a room that says “Children’s Museum” on it.

  “Aren’t you a little old for that one?” Ms. Blaine says in a laughing kind of voice.

  “Just for a few minutes—come on—please? Joanie wants to check it out!” He wiggles my chair back and forth, making me laugh. I try to do it quietly.

  “All right. I guess we’ll all go in. Just for a few minutes, though!” Ms. Blaine tried to sound strict but doesn’t quite get there. I’ve noticed that most people have trouble being very strict around Mike. He seems to joke them out of it.

  “Awesome. Let’s go check it out, Joanie,” he says, as he pushes me inside.

  The Children’s Museum does seem to be for little kids because it’s full of games, dress-up clothes, and crafts. Mike dresses up in a captain’s uniform and salutes us all. He puts the captain’s cap on my head and wheels me up to a mirror so I can look at myself. I laugh at my image for a second, but then I stop smiling. I want him to move me away from the glass image of a person I don’t really recognize.

  I wish there was a magic mirror that could show him who I really am.

  I don’t want either of us to keep on looking at the outside of me.

  The memory ends abruptly, and I feel myself fall out of the stone and onto my bed.

  I let in another thought that weighed me down. It’s silly. I shouldn’t let something like a reflection bother me. It’s not even real.

  I don’t look in mirrors much. Brenda used to hold a little hand mirror up for me at the group home sometimes, but no one thinks about things like that here. That’s OK, though, because the outside of me really doesn’t look like the inside of me at all. The reflection seems to belong to someone else. Only the eyes seem to belong to me. I can see myself in them, which is kind of an odd thought when I think about it.

  It’s not that I’m vain. It’s just that I forget sometimes that the world outside sees someone different than the person I am inside of my mind.

  It’s a good kind of forgetting, and I prefer to forget rather than be reminded by the false reflections of outside mirrors.

  I wish I hadn’t let that memory into my stone with me.

  I can try to remember the rest of that trip now, but it won’t be the same. It will just be thoughts instead of feelings and experiences. Maybe if I focus and relax, I can go back.

  It’s not working. I’m thinking too much instead of feeling, and I can’t seem to stop. Now I have to stay here.

  My eyes are rather tired anyway. I’ll close them and think about Alexandra instead.

  I hope she’s not upset that I disappeared on her. It’s just that the music stopped and so did she.

  I ended up wondering about her and thinking about things like where she goes to school and who she spends time with there, and that got me thinking about my own school, which got me looking up at my rainbow.

  And then I was just gone.

  And now she’s just gone.

  I wonder what Alexandra thinks about when the music plays? This is the second time she’s brought me music that doesn’t seem to make her happy.

  I wonder if she likes music at all, or is just trying to

  please me?

  She seems so alone even when she’s here with me. Like she’s tied up inside of herself and can’t get loose. Is she always like this, or does she have friends who she likes going places with? Spending time with? Having fun with?

  It’s hard for me to imagine her having fun.

  I wonder what kind of school Alexandra goes to. She comes here pretty early in the day. Maybe she has…what did Mike call them?…oh, yes, spares. Free time in her day when she can do what she wants instead of going to class.

  If her time is free, why would she decide to spend it visiting a girl like me in a place like this?

  Chapter 15

  “It’s official. I’m in love!” Cali’s voice interrupts my thoughts. She has this really freaky habit of showing up just when I’m thinking about her. How does she do that? She must be a witch or something. I laugh as my mind sends her off flying around on a broom. Cali laughs too, even though she has no idea what I’m laughing at.

  “See, you’re having fun! I told you, didn’t I?” She gives me a big hug. I hug her back.

  “You’re in love with me?” I pull back and grin at her. She slaps me on the cheek. Not gently.

  “No, you idiot! With Matt. He’s super dreamy. He’s my Tony.” She grabs me again and spins me around with her.

  “You’re not going to start singing “I Feel Pretty” or anything, are you?”

  “Maybe. But not right now. We have places to go and things to do!”

  She pulls me by the arm. I resist at first because I’m finally having a good time, and I don’t want to stop. It’s been pretty cool out here with Jaden and the guys. I’m actually starting to feel like I might fit in a little.

  “Come on, Lexi, I need you. Now!” She pulls harder and

  I start to stumble. I’d better go with her or she might accidentally throw me into the pool.

  “Where are we going? What time is it?” I try to grab her purse to get my cell phone so I can check the time. She holds it away from me.

  “No, it’s fine. We’re not late or anything. I just need a coffee and I can’t find any here, and there is a coffee place about a mile down the road, and you’re coming with me.” She holds up a set of car keys.

  “What are you talking about? Who’s driving us?”

  “I am. Let’s go!” She runs off, dangling the car keys behind her head at me. I run after her.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You already said that! I’m talking about getting into this car here and driving, like, thirty seconds down the road for a coffee. I need one bef
ore I go home.” She’s talking at me over her shoulder. We’re standing beside a red car that looks like it’s made to go really fast.

  “This is nuts. Whose car is this?”

  “Matt’s. He’s dying for a coffee, too, but he didn’t want to leave right now because he’s in the middle of a game. He gave me his keys and asked me to pick him up a cappuccino. It will be our first coffee together!”

  “This is a huge house. They probably have coffee here.”

  “Seriously? You want me to make coffee when I can go and buy it? Have you met me before?”

  “Does he know you don’t have your license yet?”

  “Oh, yeah, that would make me seem very cool and sophisticated.” She unlocks the driver’s door and starts to climb in.

  I grab her arm to stop her.

  “Cali, you can’t drive this car!”

  “I can drive it just fine! Watch me.”

  “Cali. This is a bad idea.”

  “Don’t be so uptight. I’m a good driver, and I’ve been dying to try driving without one of my parents pressing an imaginary brake pedal on the passenger side. Besides, you have your license, so you can be my boss or whatever.”

  “I can’t be your supervisor. I haven’t been driving long enough! It’s illegal. We’ll be in so much trouble if we get caught!”

  “Fine. If you’re going to be so anal about it, you drive, Ms. Rule Follower. Champion of Justice. Have some fun for once!

  I surrender the keys to you! Just don’t tell Matt that you did the driving.” She throws them at me and starts to walk over to the passenger side.

  I look down at the keys for a moment.

  I could make a run for it. Throw the keys back at Matt.

  She’d catch me though. And probably beat me up to get them back.

  “I can’t drive a stranger’s car. I can barely handle my dad’s. Besides…”

  “Ha! I knew it! You do suck at driving. Well I don’t, so I’ll drive. It’s thirty seconds. No one’s going to stop us and ask to see my license.” She runs over and grabs the keys again before I even manage to close my mouth.

  “Last chance.” Cali looks at me for a second, swinging the keys back and forth like a hypnotist. I stand for a second trying to decide what to do.

  Last chance.

  “Come on, Lexi. This’ll be fun.” She’s already in the car, trying to figure out how to get it started. I can’t exactly reach in and grab the keys without getting into a fist fight with her.

  If I run back to the house and get help, she’ll just drive off alone. I can’t let her do that.

  It is only thirty seconds down the road.

  She probably does drive better than I do.

  And it might be kind of fun to be in a car without my father pressing his foot constantly against the imaginary brake pedal. Do all parents do that?

  Cali plays around a bit with the controls, figuring out where everything is. I wonder for just a fraction of a second what Matt was thinking when he handed his keys over to someone who can’t even drive. He probably thought Cali has her license. She looks older than she is.

  “This isn’t like my parents’ car at all. I have to figure it out quick or there’ll be a puddle on this nice leather seat.”

  “Go in the house and pee then.” Maybe she’ll get distracted and forget what we were doing.

  “No way. I’ll pee at the coffee place. I’ve got it. Let’s go!”

  She honks the horn and starts the car.

  “OK, OK! I’m coming. Don’t go without me!”

  I open the passenger door and climb in.

  Cali laughs at me as she brings the engine to life with

  a much-too-enthusiastic roar. It sounds like a demented lion.

  At least it’s a slow-moving lion. Even my dad would be OK with this speed. Which is a really good thing, because the road is super dark. The neighborhood is on the very edge of town, just before a country highway. The coffee shop is supposedly a mile down a very dark road that hasn’t seen a road crew for a while.

  “You actually drive pretty well.”

  “Thanks, mother,” Cali says, stepping on the gas and cranking up the radio at the same time. I reach over to turn the volume down and she kicks my hand away. The car lurches and swerves sideways.

  “What are you doing? You can’t take your foot off the gas!”

  “Then don’t touch the radio. Come on, this is a good song so just calm down and sing. It’ll be a good practice session for your voice.” She starts singing at the top of her lungs. She looks crazy but happy. It makes me laugh to look at her.

  “Oh man, listen to this sound system. Let’s see how loud it can go!” She cranks it up to the point where my dad would start looking for blood seeping out my ears. I open my mouth to tell her to stop, but then I realize that I’m starting to think like my father.

  I close my eyes for a second and take a deep breath.

  And then I just…let it go and decide to enjoy the ride.

  The song switches to one we both know, and Cali starts to sing along. I open my eyes to look at her. She looks totally happy, grinning and bopping to the music like a crazy bobble-head doll.

  “Come on, Lexi! Sing with me!” She interrupts herself to yell. She opens her window and the air rushes in as she starts singing again. It takes me a second to realize that she’s singing “watermelon” instead of the words, and I start to laugh again.

  “All right! At least I know the words!”

  We cruise down the highway, singing at the top of our lungs. The wind is blowing and hair keeps on getting in my mouth when I try to sing. Cali is laughing and watermeloning at the same time. We’re on our own in a car for the first time. Grown-up and free. We can go anywhere, do anything. Cali is right—this is the coolest.

  “You’re right! This is the coolest!” I interrupt our song to try to yell at her, but my words disappear out the window.

  “What did you say?” She turns her head to look at me, a big grin on her face.

  Her eyes are only gone from the road for a second.

  A tiny fraction of a second.

  “Cali! Look out!”

  When her eyes go back, there’s something in our way. Something with yellow eyes staring right into us.

  Cali turns the wheel sharply, and the tires catch the gravel. We start skidding down the side of the road.

  “I don’t know what to do! I can’t control it! Tell me what to do!”

  Her voice screams at me in total panic, and I search my brain for the right answer. I know they taught us this in Driver’s Ed, but I can’t remember what they said. I have to tell her what to do, but I can’t think of anything to say. My thoughts are all scrambling around in a total panic and I can’t find any words that will help her.

  “Lexi!”

  I don’t know what to tell her! I don’t know what to do!

  Unbelievably, the car starts to pick up speed. It’s moving so fast, I can’t even see. It’s all just a blur of movement and noise.

  The road suddenly disappears, and we’re airborne, spinning around in circles, like we’re on some insane ride at the fair.

  I’m screaming.

  Cali is screaming.

  The car is screaming.

  Everything is screaming.

  It gets louder and louder, furious, pounding noise smashing us through the air.

  And then everything just stops.

  I can’t hear the car.

  I can’t hear Cali.

  I can’t hear me.

  All I hear is silence.

  They say that silence is golden.

  I know that isn’t true.

  The real color of silence is black.

  Chapter 16

  Alexandra was supposed to
be coming to see me this morning, and Patrick was going to teach her how to help with transfers so we could maybe go for a walk. It’s hard for one person, even Patrick, to get all of my parts into my chair without a little help from someone else, and it’s even harder to find two staff who can come and get me ready at the exact time I have someone here who wants to take me out. But my lungs decided to assert their independence again today and take a break from doing their job for me, and now I am using a machine to breathe. Which means I can’t go into the outside world, and the outside world isn’t supposed to come in to see me.

  I could try to get out through one of my stones, but the staff keep on coming in and out of here to check on me and play around with my machines, and I can’t get focused on my rainbow. So I’m still here.

  Again.

  I have to admit that I truly hate this tube. It scratches, and I want to pull it out. Even if I could tell my hands to do that,

  I wouldn’t, though. I know it’s breathing for me and that I need it at the moment. I can feel how full my lungs are, and I know that they aren’t going to do a very good job for me today.

  I haven’t seen anything but the white of this room for days now. I really want to get out and do something else besides lie here and argue with my lungs.

  I need some color.

  I like the air outside. It feels different than the air in the hospital. The air inside feels heavy and stale, like it’s being used by too many people at the same time. I know everyone thinks

  I need to stay in bed when my lungs are uncooperative, but the air outside is so much lighter and fresher that I think I might be able to breathe better there.

  “Hey kid.” It’s Patrick. Again.

  “Just checking in. You’re doing OK. I know you hate that tube. Those eyes of yours give you away. We’ll get it out of there as soon as we possibly can.”

  I’m glad he knows I hate the tube.

  I’m trying not to be upset about being so sick again. It doesn’t really hurt all that much, and I am getting used to the machine doing my breathing for me. It used to be my enemy, that machine, taking away my right to breathe on my own. But we’ve become reluctant friends over the time I’ve had to live here. I know that my lungs are siding against me, along with the rest of my body, only breathing when they want to breathe instead of when I tell them to. I know that I need the outside help to keep my lungs going.