The Color of Silence Page 7

  What would school have been like for her? What can you do at school if you can’t talk at all?

  We had a class in my elementary school for kids kind of like Joanie, but I never really thought about them all that much. I never wondered what they did all day in class, what they learned, or how. Maybe if I had been a bit more curious back then, I’d be able to figure out what I could be doing for Joanie right now. But I was too busy thinking about me to pay attention to anyone else, worrying about keeping up my grades so

  I could keep on singing.

  I thought I was going to keep on singing for the rest of my life. I didn’t know I was only going to sing for the rest of Cali’s life.

  Chapter 12

  “Everyone listen up now.” Ms. Blaine claps her hands to get our attention. “There’s an assembly this morning at ten o’clock. The drama club is going to let us see their dress rehearsal of The Wizard of Oz.”

  Everyone is suddenly fluttering with excitement. The kids in my class who are able to talk are chattering away, asking the other kids who can talk if they have seen the movie before and wondering who is playing Dorothy and will it be someone we know. Those of us who can’t talk are actually fluttering—hands and sometimes feet waving in the air, joining the conversation.

  By the time nine thirty arrives, excitement has completely overwhelmed us, filling us up until there isn’t room for anything else inside. We start heading to the cafetorium at nine forty.

  We’re always the first ones in and the last out. It takes a while to organize our strange little group. Wheelchairs have to be positioned just right so that everyone can see and nobody’s view gets blocked. A couple of the kids in my class can’t sit through a whole play. Their bodies are so wired up with the need to move all of the time that the switch can’t be turned off for more than a few minutes at a time. They sit at the back near an exit so that staff can take them out for breaks from time to time. One of the girls in our class can’t sit up at all. Her bones are so delicate and fragile that they would shatter with the pressure, so she lies on a gurney all day. I’ve heard people call her the Gurney Girl, which really bothers me. She has a name. It’s Susan. She’s one of the kindest people I’ve ever met.

  “Hey! Joanie! This is cool, isn’t it?” Debbie’s voice comes at me from my left side. She isn’t in my class, so I don’t usually see her at school, but during assemblies she has to be near the front like me. “Remember the time we watched The Wizard of Oz? I wonder if the play will be the same as the movie. What I really wonder is who’s going to be Dorothy. I love Dorothy.

  I would love to be Dorothy. I should have auditioned—except that I sound like a sick cow when I sing.”

  “Debbie! Hush.” The voice comes from Debbie’s educational assistant, who helps her go to regular classes, where she gets in trouble for talking too much all of the time. Or so she tells me.

  Our principal, Ms. Dalgity, comes to the front of the room and raises her hand like a queen. All of her subjects instantly quiet down. Even Debbie. I am always amazed by this. There are hundreds of students in our school, and most of them talk loudly and constantly when we are at an assembly, even though their teachers keep on saying “shhh.” I’ve noticed that shhh is not a very effective word. It mostly sounds like the teacher has sprung a leak, and it doesn’t seem to have much effect on the students. Ms. Dalgity doesn’t say anything though. She just holds up that magic hand, in which I always pretend she is holding an imaginary scepter, and all of the chattering just stops.

  I don’t know what her special power is, but she must feel very much in command, standing there with so many people quietly waiting to hear what she has to say.

  “Good morning, everyone. We have a very special treat today. Our senior drama club is here to present their final dress rehearsal of The Wizard of Oz. I know you will all enjoy this very much and will demonstrate your respect and appreciation appropriately.”

  I wonder how she knows that?

  The play begins, and I am instantly caught up in the story. Dorothy’s voice soars out over the audience and I swear I can see a rainbow forming over her head. All of the actors do a terrific job of creating their characters, and it feels like the movie has jumped off the screen and into our school. At least it feels that way to me.

  Best of all is the scarecrow, flopping around up there without a brain. He’s the best scarecrow I’ve ever seen, even better than the one in the movie. I’m not sure right away, but after a few minutes of intense staring, I realize that the person hidden under all that makeup and stuffing is Mike. My Mike.

  Well, not mine exactly, like he belongs to me or anything.

  He would never belong to me.

  My eyes open on the thought, and I’m staring up at a different rainbow than the one Dorothy sings about. Or maybe it’s the same rainbow. Maybe there’s only one rainbow, like there’s one sun or one moon, and it just comes to us in different ways.

  I will have to remember to keep all of my thoughts positive when I’m in my rainbow so that I can stay there longer. Letting myself think that way about Mike pushed me right back into this room.

  But the music has stayed with me. I can hear the songs replaying in my mind, making me feel the way I did when I heard that music for the first time.

  I remember the time we watched the movie version of The Wizard of Oz at the group home. Debbie liked Dorothy the best, but Scarecrow was my favorite character. His floppy arms and legs reminded me of myself. I imagined if I ever could get up out of my chair, I would probably walk more like him than like Dorothy. One arm going one way and the other crossing over it in the opposite direction. Legs jumping all over the place, even when all I want to do is walk forward sedately. Scarecrow thought that he didn’t have a brain just because he wasn’t the same as other people, but in the end he found out that he had one all along. The problem was that people just didn’t recognize it. People couldn’t see past his raggedy outsides.

  My raggedy outsides hide my brain as well. Even though some people treat me like I can think and feel, no one really understands how much of me there really is. Maybe someday I’ll find my own wizard who will show the world that I have a fully operating brain that was really inside of me all along. Maybe he’ll give me a diploma to hang on my wall so people can read it, even if they can’t read me.

  “Hi.”

  The voice is soft but clear. I forgot it’s an Alexandra day again. Time definitely feels like it’s moving faster these days. I guess today moves along more quickly when I get to

  spend some time in yesterday.

  She comes right over to me today and stands right where I can see her. I like that she seems to have already figured out that I need her to do that. Some people never seem to figure it out and my eyes get sore with the effort of trying to follow them around the room.

  She smiles her little half smile at me and holds something out in front of my face. It takes me a second to focus my attention from her face to the object, but then I see it’s a CD.

  “Jazz today,” she says. I wait, hoping there’s more, but she doesn’t keep going.

  I can see a picture of a man holding a trumpet on the front. She takes it away before I have a chance to read the words and see whose music we’re going to be listening to today. Maybe she doesn’t know that I can read. How could she?

  She moves out of view, presumably over to the CD player. I’m kind of surprised that she brought music again because she really didn’t seem to like it much last time. Maybe it’s just Broadway that she doesn’t like.

  The music fills the air just like before—louder than anyone around here is used to and full of energy and life. It reminds me of the assemblies at school when the high school band would come and play for us. I used to love watching them play and would dream about being up there with them, helping to create those amazing sounds.

  If I could play an i
nstrument, I think I would play a trumpet. It’s so brave and daring, leading all of the other instruments into the melody. Every note sounds like a promise. Or maybe I would play the drums, tapping out a rhythm like Alexandra’s shoes. I’d love to be the one to set the pace for all of the other instruments, keeping them in line and telling them when to go fast and when to slow down.

  Sometimes music reminds me of my rainbow, with melodies so strong that they can actually pull you out of yourself and let you fly away.

  If I could play an instrument, I could fly away whenever

  I wanted to. Even when my eyes are tired and my colors are too hard to see.

  I wonder if the students who played in the high school band felt that way.

  I wonder if Alexandra feels that way. It’s hard to tell how she feels right now. She has her eyes shut tightly, as if she’s trying to block out the whole world.

  I’m glad she brings me music though. Maybe she somehow knows how much I like it.

  Maybe she’s already figured out that I truly have a brain.

  Chapter 13

  Broadway. Jazz. It doesn’t seem to matter. It’s all the same.

  Working its way into my mind. Opening it up and letting everything out that I’ve worked so hard to keep hidden away.

  Music.

  I could try turning it off, pushing us back into the silence where it’s safe. But I think it’s too late.

  Memories are already gushing out in a messed-up flood that I can’t control. All I can do is stand here and let them sweep me away to somewhere I don’t want to be.

  We get to the party at about eight ten, just as Cali had planned. Her mom looks impressed by the neighborhood. All the homes on the street have lawns that look like little golf courses and gardens that look like the cover of a magazine. The driveways look cleaner than my kitchen floor at home. The party house is one of the biggest on the street, and it looks very impressed with itself.

  “Looks like a lovely home.”

  “It is. Thanks for the drive, Mom.” Cali kind of jumps out of the car.

  “Honey, you’re sure the parents are home, right?” her mom calls out the window. Cali cringes.

  “Yes, Mom. See ya later.” She grabs my arm, and we hurry up the front walk, which is made of beautiful, sparkly white stones.

  I want to stop and look at them, but Cali doesn’t even slow down. We can hear music coming from the inside of the house and lots of loud talking. Cali looks at me with an expression of relief. She was totally paranoid about us being the first ones there. She told me that being first is a kind of social death. But someone has to be first or no one would come. Right? I start to ask Cali about that, but she tells me to just shut up because the door’s opening.

  “Hey, come on in! Things are just getting started.” Cory is standing in the open doorway, gesturing for us to come in. He’s so gorgeous that I just freeze, like some kind of pathetic groupie at a rock concert. My tongue twists around my teeth, which doesn’t matter because I’ve forgotten how to talk.

  “Thanks, Cory. Looks like a great party!” Cali gives him a great big smile and heads on in, with me trailing behind, still trying to unwind my tongue.

  The inside of the house is even more impressive than the outside. The floors in the front hall seem to be made of marble, and the ceiling reaches to the top of the house, arching up over us like the inside of a cathedral. There’s a winding staircase heading up to the second floor, which we walk past on the way back to the party room. And it’s not called “the party room” just because there’s a party going on in there today. This house actually has a room that is only used for parties.

  The room is full of noise—music, talking, and laughing.

  I recognize a few kids from our class, but most of the people here are strangers to me.

  I disappear safely into Cali’s shadow as she tugs me inside.

  “There’s Matt. What do you think I should do?” Cali is yelling in my ear, but I can barely hear her. I don’t know why

  I suck so much at the party thing. I just feel totally out of place in loud, large groups of people who all seem to know each other and how to act. Even the few people I know here seem to have been absorbed into the crowd, until all the faces have kind of blended together into one big unrecognizable blur.

  “Lex! Answer me!” Cali gives me a shake, which probably doesn’t make us look super cool.

  “I don’t know. I told you I’m not good with this stuff.” I’m yelling as loud as I’m willing to take my voice. I wish I knew sign language.

  “Well, I’m going to do it. Are you coming?”

  “Yeah, but I need to find the facilities first.”

  “OK, fine. But please don’t call them the facilities to anyone else. You sound like your dad! Just come and find me as soon as you finish.” And she takes off—just like that—leaving me alone to find the bathroom. Maybe I should just hold it. Stick close to Cali so I can protect her from herself.

  And so she can protect me from everyone else.

  I take a quick look over to where Cali disappeared. I don’t see her or Matt. I start trying to walk toward where I think she might be, but there are people everywhere, and I can’t seem

  to make my way through them.

  This sucks. I should have gone with her.

  “Alex! Hi. I didn’t know you were here! Come on outside and check out the pool. It’s a little quieter out there, and there’s a bunch of kids from class. Come on!”

  It’s Mandy from vocal class. I can honestly say I’ve never been so happy to see anyone in my whole life. I actually know her, and she even seems happy to see me too.

  I smile at her so she doesn’t think I’m a total idiot, and

  I think for a second about what to do. I should really go and find Cali. She’ll be pissed if I ditch her.

  But she already kind of ditched me. She could have helped me find the bathroom and waited for me, but she was in too big a hurry to flirt with Matt.

  “OK. Um, but first I kind of need the facilities!” I yell it in her ear. She doesn’t make fun of me for using the wrong word. She just laughs and takes me by the arm.

  “Over here. I’ll wait for you so you don’t get lost!”

  I nod at her and head in. It’s nice and quiet. Maybe I could just hide in here for a while. Except that Mandy is waiting for me. Some people care enough to wait!

  I head back out into the noise and follow Mandy into

  the backyard.

  Cali will be fine. She knows her way around a party.

  Mandy is right. It’s a little quieter outside, and I do see some people I know. Some of the guys are even in the pool, even though it’s not that warm outside.

  “Do you want a drink?” Mandy hands me a cup without waiting for an answer.

  “What is it?”

  “Nothing much. Just my special blend, mostly pop and fruit juice with a touch of vodka for flavor.”

  “I thought vodka didn’t have any flavor.”

  “OK, then a touch of vodka to make it interesting. And what’s even more interesting is Josh. Check it out. I don’t think he has his suit on anymore! She laughs and pulls me over to the side of the pool. It looks like she’s right about Josh, and that makes me start laughing too.

  I take the drink and sip it.

  And then I spit it out on the grass, hoping no one saw me.

  I’m pretty sure it’s Pepsi mixed with orange juice that looks like it’s curdling. I have no idea what the vodka is doing to the whole mix. Not helping it taste any better.

  Gross. Seriously gross.

  I look over at Mandy, but she’s totally focused on the guys. I tip my cup and pour some of it out on the grass.

  We hang out by the pool, laughing at the guys and singing along to the music. I have no idea how much time is
passing by, but I don’t care, because for this moment in time, I don’t feel like a geeky girl reject at all.

  I can do this. I can laugh. I can sing. I can even pretend to sip a drink and not look like a total loser. No one’s paying nearly as much attention to me as I thought they would. No one actually cares what I’m doing, so I just play along like I’m partying and drinking her special blend.

  It’s all just fun, like Cali said it would be. If I ever see her again, I’ll tell her she was right.

  “Oh, Alexandra! I didn’t realize you were still here. I figured since the music stopped, you had left already.” My eyes fly open as Patrick’s voice interrupts the flow of memories. I’m embarrassed and relieved at the same time.

  “It looks like Joanie is down for the count. I’ll come back later. Are you heading off?” Patrick looks over at me. We’re both standing by Joanie’s bed. The difference is that he noticed that she’s sleeping, and I didn’t. I’m just standing here like an idiot, totally lost in something that happened a year ago, while Joanie is so bored she actually fell asleep.

  Now I’m just embarrassed.

  I nod my head and basically run out of the room. Again.

  Now Patrick and Joanie both likely think I’m nuts.

  Which fits, because I think I’m nuts.

  I’ve lost it. Completely. I can’t control my thoughts at all. Everything is just floating into my mind, filling it with the debris of that night.

  I have to get home before the rest hits.

  No one here will miss me.

  I have a feeling my days here are numbered.

  And it’s a very small number.

  Chapter 14

  “All right. Does everyone have a partner? It’s time to head out.”

  Ms. Blaine is using her super cheerful voice. She sounds like a radio announcer today, telling us all the exciting news about our trip. It is pretty exciting, actually. We’re going to a museum with the students from our integration class.